Well. Sorry about my somewhat crazy rant last night. I needed to get it out; if I kept it inside it would have clogged all my other thoughts and driven me insane.
Basically, my father is extremely upset. I guess I could say about the situation in general, and perhaps that’s it. But I don’t really know because he never says a word unless it’s him snapping over something ridiculous.
Yesterday he snapped over 1 – I was given a second activity mat as a gift. I thought I might give it to my husband; if we aren’t staying together, and he doesn’t have one, and he’s going to have the baby sometimes, should I deny my son a toy (it’s not like I paid for it myself) to spite my husband? Come on. I have to sit there and listen to implications that all this is childish (as if I have a choice in the matter) when that is what you’d rather me do? Ludicrous. He flipped and said I shouldn’t give it to my husband, as if I bought my husband a new car or something that he doesn’t deserve.
And 2 – we were sitting eating dinner and
Chester was laying at my feet quietly. I don’t even know how it started, because my
brother and sister-in-law were there as well and the last thing I remember is
my brother telling a funny story about something that happened to him at work
this past week. And then suddenly, my
father asked me, “What is he still doing here?” (meaning Chester).
My husband usually picks him up early on Saturdays and drops him off
again on Tuesday evenings.
So, to make a long story short, my husband was going out last night so I told him he can come get the dog today. I knew my dad would think that was stupid, that I should’ve made him come get the dog, etc., but I LIKE having the dog with me, and rather him be with me than know he’s alone because my husband isn’t home with him. Anyway, I figured, let my dad be angry at me; he always is anyway. (I can’t have him flying off the handle on my husband over every stupid little thing, because the baby is going to be living solely with me in the beginning due to him being so young and small and not able to safely travel back and forth. So he is going to have to come here to see the baby, and I want him to feel comfortable enough to do so.) So I just said, “I told him he can come tomorrow for the dog.”
Well, as I’m sure you can imagine, my dad flew off the handle again. My mother, who knew about my conversation with my husband and in an attempt to stick up for me, said, “He’s going out tonight.” Well, I really don’t know what happened after that, but suddenly I was getting screamed at for…I don’t even know what.
I know other people are stressed out. I know I know I know. But come on, seriously. I’m going to be 40 weeks tomorrow. At this point, even if I was being a complete raging maniacal bitch, the exact opposite of what anyone should be doing right now is yelling at me about it, getting me to the point of a hyperventilating cry.
Well, to add to this, my mother just came into my room crying because she and my father are fighting now over this stupid crap.
I can’t really go into it because as I said when I first started this, I’m not going to talk about the situation with my husband directly. I don’t feel comfortable doing so. So I can’t really go into detail as it stems from that.
Why oh why can’t people just let me be? Let me dream of nothing else right now but the way my baby will look? Of holding him? Instead my head is swirling with the most ridiculous crap imaginable.
I have my next checkup tomorrow at 11:45 am. I can’t wait to go. I’m hoping to find out I’m dilated more. I’m hoping the doctor examining me will get things started. I have a lot to talk to him about too, and being that I’m 40 weeks I’m hardly the patient that they will rush out of the room so should have the opportunity to do so. Since this is the third doctor in the practice that I’m seeing (and the final possibility of who might be delivering my child) my sister was asking me if I had gone over certain things with him yet. And I just said, “Well the last time I saw him he shoved his hand up my vagina so I didn’t think it was the right time to bring certain things up.” (She thought that was funny.) Tomorrow he will also have his hand in my vagina, but I’m prepared this time to catch him before he does.
I’m also just excited to get out of the house.