Friday, December 7, 2012

More waiting.

I’ve been trying to write this for days.

I had my last checkup on Tuesday evening.  I was 2 cm dilated, and the baby measured 7 lbs.  My doctor (not the one I usually see, another one in the practice) started preparing me for the possibility now of the baby being too big for me to have a vaginal birth.  (Jeez…the baby’s too big…the baby’s too small…now he’s too big again…gah!!)  Since everything else is alright, he said I would definitely have a “trial labor” (meaning they would only intervene with a c-section if after being in labor I don’t make any progress) but to keep in the back of my mind that the possibility of a c-section is there.

So, he told me that he was going to “be rough” with me to try and get things going.  And oh my goodness was he true to his word!  In fact, the whole time he had his hand up in my business he kept saying, “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry!  Don’t hate me don’t hate me don’t hate me!”  Over and over.  Actually, it was quite funny.  If it didn’t hurt so badly I would have been laughing.

So, obviously I don’t want a c-section.  Well, maybe that’s not obvious.  But now you know: I don’t want a c-section.  First of all, it’s not ideal medically for a variety of reasons.  But I also want to hold my baby right away (and most certainly be the first one to do so) and I’m afraid of being less in control because I’ll be in the middle of being operated on.  I don’t want to think about it right now.  Long story short, the sooner this baby comes, the smaller he’ll be, and the more likely I’ll have me a good old fashioned pushing-a-baby-out-through-my-vagina birth.

The only real positive is that he said that they won’t let me go past the 18th without inducing me.  So…I have a date in mind at least.  10 days away.  (But this baby better come before then.)

And I definitely lost my mucous plug last night, which I know means nothing (because some women lose it weeks before labor and it actually grows back) but I’m hoping in my case, since I know I’m already dilated some and I’m so close to my due date, that it is a signal that I will start labor on my own within the next week.

So, because I haven’t been working (I’m officially on maternity leave as of this past Monday) the swelling in my hands and ankles has gone down.  I still can’t feel my right hand though because the baby is still resting on the same nerve.  I’ve been trying to rest, aside from walking every day, but that’s about it.  I’m bored, lonely, and have this desperate desire to get dressed up and put on lots of makeup (not that I can fit into anything fancy right now) but I’m dying to be able to and go out somewhere sexy.

I’m depressed.  I mean, come on.  Of course I’m beyond excited to meet my baby.  But let’s be realistic.  It’s not the ideal situation.  I’m tired of being alone.  I’m ready to look for a new job.  (I’ve already started actually, even though I know that’s kind of silly.  I’m just so anxious and tired of waiting.)  I’m ready to get a home for me and my little one and Chester.  I fall asleep every night dreaming of the day when I get to wake up in my own home with my baby and Chester.  It’s the thing that pushes me.

Once again, my other life will get put on hold.  My writing life.  But I have never been one to think that if it doesn’t happen now, it won’t happen.  It’s more important right now for me to be who I think I need to be for my son, someone who can provide for him, and who won’t give up on her own goals.  When he’s a little older, I will be able to try again.  I’m so much more focused now on starting a career, getting on my own two feet, and being able to fully practice yoga again.

Writing hasn’t left me yet.  It won’t leave me now.  But it is still sad, to have to knowingly cast it aside, even if it is just for the time being.  And some days, I will feel resentful.  I know this.

I have a million and one reasons I want this [pregnancy] to be done.  It’s not like I’m rushing it; I’m due on Monday.  It’s just depressing.  It’s a depressing time of year.  I don’t even get to hang his first Christmas ornament on my own tree.

If my situation were different, I would be enjoying this time more, despite the discomfort.  I would have someone to talk with and be excited with and…and…you know, help me when I feel scared about things.  It’s why I get beyond frustrated when people tell me to “enjoy this while it lasts.”  There’s nothing enjoyable about this for me.  This isn’t my last few days alone with my husband.  These are my last few days alone period.  So no wonder I want it to fucking end.  I don’t want to be alone anymore.

I read comments on these stupid community boards for pregnant women (and I don’t know why I do).  The “problems” some of these women have!  Wondering what “new daddy” gift to get their husbands.  Um…what?  Do normal people even give push presents anymore to the moms?  I’ll be lucky if I get a weak smile.

I know my body is preparing.  I can feel it.  I hope I get to meet my little one soon.

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