Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Introduction

So, this is my first post on this blog.

Let me begin by giving you a quick intro to me and my situation. Firstly, me: I am 28 years old, and live in one of the 5 boroughs of New York City. I have an MFA in Poetry from Sarah Lawrence College (2 of the most rewarding years of my life). My thesis was titled What Happens at the Bottom of the Hill, a project I am currently thinking of reworking and revising. I currently work as a legal secretary in a small firm in my hometown. I have held various positions in the past, ranging from working as a proofreader to an HR Coordinator. I have done some freelance writing and spent some time working with a group of writers from my area trying to get more writing and literary events going in our tiny corner of town.

"Living" to me is as much a part of my writing as is the writing itself, which is sort of how I ended up in my current employment position. It allowed me the extra time I needed to have a "life," go out and experience things, and work on my writing. Today is October 10, 2012. There will never be another one. It's exhausting, but my mind thinks like this quite often.

Secondly, my situation: I have known my husband for literally half of my life (I met him when I was 14 years old) and we have been in each other's lives in some capacity ever since. Our second wedding anniversary is (would have been?) approaching on November 7th.

I am currently pregnant with our first child, a boy. My due date of December 10 is rapidly approaching. However, my husband and I have been "separated" since I was about three months along. I put separated in quotes because we're not legally separated, we are just...literally separated. Not together. As if we "broke up." Due to the fact that I am still in the midst of this and have no idea what the end result will be, that is all I will share about the direct situation between myself and my husband.

I don't earn that great of a salary at my job all things considered, and I don't get any paid leave except for disability when I have the baby. So I made the decision to move back in with my parents for the sake of my son. I could easily afford something small on my own, but I want the best for my son, and the chance to save some money and the extra hands to help out when he arrives will be at least more than helpful, if not entirely necessary.

So, why am I writing this? I snapped the other day and decided to start this blog after looking at my pregnancy app on my phone, which only seemed to be mocking me by telling me to ask my "partner" for help.

Some women choose to have babies on their own, and that's wonderful. Some are in relationships, but aren't married, when they become pregnant. That's difficult too, but still a little different because there isn't the same kind of loss of an image or idea in your head of the future you had laid before you in relation to the other person, a spouse.

But to be married, pregnant with your husband's child, and to be apart from him against your will, whether it be due to a situation similar to mine or something worse, like deployment overseas or even death, comes with its own unique sets of challenges. I couldn't love the baby inside of me more. I truly believe he will be my greatest achievement, that he will save me. So please, no one question my love, or my excitement to meet my little man. I know that he will replace everyone and everything as the most important thing in the world to me.

But I am human, and most of the time, I am angry. I am sad. I am hurt. I am remorseful. I am lonely. And I am very, very scared. And sometimes I focus on small logistical things that will be more difficult because of the situation I find myself in. Other times I just feel as if I could waste away knowing that I might never personally bear witness to my husband holding our son.

I wanted a place to share the daily challenges I am facing, and maybe along the way, I can help someone dealing with a similar situation to feel less alone.

I welcome any and all comments whether you are in a similar situation or not.

I am looking forward to sharing this journey with you.

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