Thursday, October 11, 2012

Sexy

So, anyone that knows me well (or maybe even just knows me) knows that I'm not the type of person to go on and on about how gorgeous I am.  I rarely feel that way.  I also don't think I'm unattractive either...I would just classify myself as relatively normal.  There are things I like and things I don't like about myself.  Some days I choose to focus on the former and other days the latter.
 
But let me tell you...it is not like that now.  I'm not going to go on and on about how glamorous pregnancy is.  It's really not, at least not most of the time, when you're cramping and in pain and your digestive system becomes a disaster and your ankles swell up and you can't reach the bottom half of your body to perform any routine maintenance so you kinda just let it go, HOWEVER...
 
as far as pregnant ladies go, I think I look rather fantastic.  And I have periodic feelings of fantastic.  And sexiness.  My skin, hair, and nails never looked/felt better.  I haven't had any trouble in my yoga class yet, modifying what I need to, of course, but still feeling strong enough to challenge myself.  My belly is a tight, albeit rapidly growing, ball.  Otherwise, my face, arms, legs, and my beautiful butt have all remained the same.
 
And I am PISSED I don't have anyone to share this with.  The freakiest thing about me right now is that due to how tight my belly is, you can see every last one of my little baby's movements.  But I also find that rather beautiful.  What I wouldn't give for someone else to share in this time with me; to feel a touch, a kiss.  Knowing what my body has been through the past two years or so, how uncertain I was over my ability to get pregnant in the first place, I just think I couldn't look better.  Every bit larger my tummy gets means my baby is getting stronger and healthier.  And that is amazing.  And I want to be told I look amazing.  By a man.
 
Granted, my doctor (a man) told me I looked "great," the last time I saw him, but he meant it as, "You no longer look like you want to kill yourself!  That's great!"  (In the first two months or so of my separation I was an actual disaster.  Like, the definition of disaster.)  But as time moved on, so did I have to.  I know it hasn't been a long time in the grand scheme of things, but the reality is, come December (or possibly sooner!) there will be a new little man in my life that is depending on me, and I had to pull it together.  All the way together.  Not just mostly.  Fully.  To me right now, that is what it means to be a mom to my little one.  To let him know that despite life's ridiculous ups and downs, it's worth being alive and breathing and I wouldn't trade him for anything, not even to have things "go back to the way they were."  That is how I know I'm in love.
 
But I'm still PISSED that I haven't been able to roll around on a bed with someone and be pregnant and beautiful.
 
Another man did tell me I was beautiful, come to think of it.  A sweet guy I went to highschool with and ran into recently.  And we talked about lots of things like music and tattoos and getting older and then he somehow nicely segued into me being beautiful.  So maybe I shouldn't complain.  I should take what I can get.  But it's just that I took that as my being beautiful despite being pregnant.  I think there must be nothing like being told by the man who made you pregnant during a supreme act of love that you look gorgeous carrying the child you will share together.  Am I being overly sappy?  Maybe.  But I think I deserve to be cut some slack.
 
So cut me some slack.
 
And as for advice about this?  I wouldn't recommend this as a time in one's life for a new sexual partner (for the sake of the little one in your belly), but if you can find someone who wants to kiss you, hug you, hold your hand...GO FOR IT.  And even if you can't, get up in the morning, and be fabulous anyway.  Do your hair, put on makeup, wear adorable maternity clothes that make other girls want to be pregnant too.  Go through the struggle of not letting grooming the bottom half of your body go.  Sometimes the sexiest people are the ones who are honest and raw and carry themselves proudly, regardless of their past/current situations.  And that might be cliche to say, but it's one cliche I happen to agree with.
 
Sexy will mean different things to you at different times in your life.  Right now sexy for me means me being healthy for my son, being excited for his arrival, and doing right by him in every way possible.  It means loving myself enough to accept that I have made some mistakes, but I am still a good person, with a good heart.  It means knowing that I am still a woman attracted to men and I love that and embrace it.  It means knowing I'm a nerd (ask my sister how many math books she helped me pack when we were packing up my apartment) because being curious and knowing things about things is sexy!
 
And, on the really rough nights, masturbate.

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