Friday, October 26, 2012

Meltdown City

(This entry brought to you by my wavering confidence and perpetual sadness.)

Imagine being upset. Then multiply that feeling by the biggest number your mind can comprehend. And that's where I'm at right now.

It has to do with my situation with my husband, so I'm not going to go into it. But it breaks into the situation with the baby, because of custody/visitation issues. This baby isn't even born yet. I don't ever want to be separated from him. When you love someone like I love this baby, that just doesn't seem to be a feasible option. I have this image of myself standing at my front door watching my husband drive away with our child, and I cant take it. I can't take that image. I love my son more than breath, more than poetry, more than myself. I feel him move almost constantly within me. I can't imagine him being separated from me when he is still so young and helpless. I can't take it...I can't take it.

It's times like these that I find myself actually calling out to God, begging for help. This baby needs me to be strong, but you can only be struck so many times before you can't bear the weight anymore and you fall. I am so close to the end. But I am so close to falling.

I don't believe I'm being overdramatic. Most people that think that will probably never have to be separated from their child in this way. I can't come to terms with it. Obviously I think of nothing else. It shouldn't be a luxury to be able to kiss your baby every morning, every night. But for me it seems that that is the case. I won't be able to do that. Some mornings he won't see me smiling at him. God...why is this happening?

I'm back to crying almost every morning.

Sometimes I hear words that were spoken to me just echo in my mind. Sometimes my own thoughts bounce off of the walls of my skull until their repetition nearly kills me.

I just want a normal life with my baby.

I can't believe the faith I had in something so fragile.

I was told it looks like the baby dropped a little. That means the time is fast approaching. It could be as soon as a month from now, I will be en route to the hospital.

I am sitting in the back of my office building right now. Getting some air. Thinking. Surrounded by yellow and red leaves. Feeling them rain down on top of me.

I think now I shouldn't have been honest. I should have continued on as we were, both of us keeping secrets.

But I'm not like that. Anyone who even passes by this blog can probably see that.

I want to know people. I want people to know me.

Today is my husband's birthday. I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. Our anniversary is in less than 2 weeks. I will feel even worse on that day.

I am so terrified of the rest of my life.

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