Monday, October 22, 2012

Hope

Some good stuff:
 
Last Thursday the people in my office threw me a baby shower at the Hilton. They, just like everyone that came to my other shower, found so many baby things that say things about "mommy" and not "daddy." I thought that was cute.
 
I went for my first prenatal massage this weekend. First of all, it was amazing. Especially since I don't have a "partner" (as my stupid pregnancy app on my phone calls it, which got me so angry again this past weekend I yelled at my phone and told it to go 'suck a dick') to help with any pain management.
 
Secondly, when the woman was finished, she said to me, "Whatever you are doing, KEEP DOING IT. I specialize in prenatal massages so I give a lot of them, and you are in AMAZING shape." Then she left the room, allowed me to dress and gather my things, and when she was waiting outside for me with water, she asked me if I had a minute. She apparently teaches other massage therapists who are learning to administer prenatal massages. She asked if I would be willing to be the "client" for her class and I would get a free 90-minute massage. She would be performing the massage, and 4 other woman would watch so that they can learn the proper way to drape and help turn a pregnant client. And she said if I agree to it she will also give me a free postnatal massage. I am so into it; I'm asking my boss for off today for the day she needs me for. Hey, like I said last entry, pregnancy makes you lose all shame. Besides, I have nothing to be ashamed of. To top it off, I can use it to help me relax and ease some of the pain I've been having, and considering my situation, if something is free, I shouldn't pass it up.
 
I have no problem with strangers watch me get a massage. Just like on the day I give birth I will have no problem with however many doctors/nurses/interns come strolling into my room and see the goods. I'm just not like that. It's my body and I'm pretty okay with it, and all these people are used to seeing a wide variety of bodies. But I'll tell you what is making me a little nervous: my next regular check up is a basic appointment. It's with a doctor I haven't met yet in the practice but they're just going over the belly to do a sonogram to check on the baby's progress. This doctor only had earlier appointments so my husband (who has been coming to the appointments as of late) will not be able to make it. But during the appointment after that one, they will be doing a full exam so I will have to be undressed completely, and I am nervous about my husband being there.
 
We haven't been together in months, and I'm not sure what has happened on his end since then. He's barely seen me at all since we've split, let alone completely exposed and with a giant pregnant belly. It's just...not a comfortable situation for me. I have to figure out how I'm going to handle that situation.
 
I spent this weekend at my sister's again. It may be the last time I do. This coming weekend I have a party to go to, so I'll probably just stay home and rest for the remainder of it. And after this past weekend, it's seeming more and more like this party might be my last big outing before the baby comes. I have been searching high and low for a dress to wear, and going into this weekend I still hadn't found anything. So I needed to go out and find one, and I also had a few things I needed to pick up for the nursery. After shopping for just the afternoon (with stopping between almost every store to sit for at least a good 10 minutes) my legs were balloons. I think that's it for me. No more going out...just work, the doctor, and maybe dinner with a friend here and there, just so I don't go completely insane.
 
But I did find a very cute dress and cute slip-on wedges which will be great because I can't reach my feet so it's very difficult to put on shoes.
 
I just feel like my whole world keeps morphing from week to week. Some weeks I stay good enough that the sadness is actually kept at bay. But then I have weeks like last week, and what it already feels like this week is going to be, in which I overwhelm myself. I think of random things, too, not the big stuff. Not my wedding, or any other moments I would have other shared with others, but the quiet moments. Dinnertime. My own tears I've shed over the years. Sunday morning walks with Chester (our dog). The time he grabbed my hand in the car. The evening I spent looking out over the harbor just wondering where he was.
 
How I don't want to be alone with our baby.
 
And I am allowed to admit these things, and shouldn't feel ashamed for feeling them.
 
Don't let anyone outside your situation tell you how you should feel. Advice is one thing, but no one knows all the intricate twists and turns of your mind. No one knows the intricacies of a marriage, either. Marriage is a messy, messy thing. And the "little things"...well, quite often they are what do you in.
 
Despite everything, I still believe that it's best to be honest, in that even if the truth hurts, it's only possible to build something real atop a solid foundation of truth. And I'd rather have something real and beautifully flawed than any kind of lie.
 
“There is no formula to relationships.” - Tuesdays With Morrie, Mitch Albom. I like this. Because you know what? I don't care that you have the husband and the house and what you think is the perfect family. I don't care that another one has the success and the freedom and the time to explore that I don't. Because I wouldn't be happy with any of it anyway if it weren't achieved on my own terms, and balanced in my own life. Things fell apart for me the past few months, but that doesn't happen overnight. Prior to it all, things were far from perfect. So just because I seemingly had it together, I most certainly did not.
 
And what do I have now? A beautiful son I'm soon to meet. My family. My friends. My writing. Health. Memories.
 
Hope.

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